Now most of you that know me are well aware of my affinity (or lack thereof)
for children. I have never had a ticking clock, not one tock in fact
(even at the ripe old egg age of 33.) I never babysat when I was a teen,
like the rest of my girlfriends, I much preferred raking fall leaves for
money. In fact, my explaination to women inquiring as to why I
haven't had children as of yet (because of course if you're a woman and you
consciensly choose not to have them there must be something wrong with you) is usually that I spent 10 years raising my ex-husband and that was good enough for me! So place a
person of this mentality in a remote island beach house with a lovely
dispositioned, freckle-faced, redheaded hostess (and friend) named Rosemary
whose South African/English blend accent, homemade cinnamon buns, and devious
giggle will charm their way into your heart, along with her nearly 2 year old
blonde boy. Tellen's his name, pee-ins his game. Tellen spends most
days at the beach house naked, nude, nada. Tellin's a pretty boy
with long locks of sundrenched curls and when we recently had a visitor who
thought at first he was a she, I asked of her what gave it away? The
plainly visible penis that's always there getting yanked in everywhich way as
he says "Wee Wee." Those winky's sure are alot more flexible
and not half as sensitive as several men have led me to believe. Rosemary
regales me with stories of potty training as I dry the dishes she's washing.
She tells of how Tellen has now stepped up to the big boys bowl but does not
quite have the "finesse" that is required to aim, shoot, and
score--he rather places his finger on the nozzle of his hose and proceeds
to squirt the toilet as if it was a 5 alarm fire needing to be put
out! I myself (the one who believes hanging out with friends like
these is the best over the kitchen counter birth control you can buy)
witnessed on several occasions potty provocations. My
"baptism" into the world of potty training came when Tellen's big
brother Daniel was sitting in the doorway of the beach house shaving a coconut
with a metal tool clasped between his legs. My understanding of the
situation at the time, was that that had been Tellin's coconut hard fought and
won and Big Brother (as all big brothers do) was taunting him by taking
over his spot and began shaving Tellen's coconut to spite him. Now Tellen
was litterally "pissed" and began shrieking, yanking hardily on
his penis, and chanting in an ominous manner "Wee Wee." I knew
what was coming, though I lack in motherly instincts and before I could call
Rosemary to do something about the situation (since I wasn't about to get in
the way of Tellin's aggretions, cause after all, he was right) I watched in
horror, open-mouthed and unbelieving as Tellen began to piss all over the
shredded coconut that was between his big bothers legs. Rosemary was busy
making coconut rice in the kitchen at the time and I was hoping to hell this
wasn't part of her secret recipe! The second excretory episode came when
Tellen was pushing a chair around the house in circles, round & round,
faster & faster until he bumped into something with the chair, the chair
bumped into his wee wee, and pee pee went squirting everywhere you could see
see. Not minutes after the Hazmat team had been called in to clean-up
that spill had a second occurred, this time in the kitchen. Tellen had
sucessfully sat on his training potty and peed profusely. Everyone
cheered. But in all the excitement he attempted to be that much more
helpful and picked up the potty to dump into the compost bucket. Well
lets just say that the shooter didn't make the target and the pee made a
spreading puddle on the floor. Everyone groaned. Another day I was
walking from the outdoor shower and heard Rosemary's infamous giggle along with
a "Tellen not on Tammy's head." I didn't look up at
the time, afraid of what I might see. I wasn't until a few days
later I saw Tellen peeing off of the upstairs porch balcony and made the
connection that previously I may have narrowly avoided a "Golden
Shower!" So, I have come to the conclusion that my time with Tellen
is mentally preparing me for going back home. Several of my friends are
having babies now, after all, time is ticking by, and we are all at the baby-making
age, though for some reason I think I'll just babysit (or sit this baby out),
and let them make the babies!
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